A sleepy and chilly good morning to you all. I blog this morning for no really good reason, but I'll make up a few that should pass for acceptable reasons anyway: 1- I've got flying to visit Minnesota on the brain at the moment, as I'll be doing that in just under a month now! (I'm so excited!) 2-I'll be flying with Qantas, which should make everybody happy, since they feed and entertain me quite adequately, and they are still the ONLY international airline to have never had a major accident; never lost a single person. and 3- It's always nice to start a day with a little chuckle if you can get one.
So Dan's grandparents (great people), they get this newsletter for the National Seniors Association, and this month they sent a copy of it to us because of what was on the back. This morning I finally read it all the way through and I really laughed out loud. My husband is going into a profession with such a fantastic sense of humour :)
I can't be bothered to learn to scan, so I type this, word for word, as fast as I can, before I rush off to work. ENJOY!
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After every flight, Qantas' pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said tht ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' Pilots (marked with a P) and the Solutions Recorded (marked with an S) by Maintenance Engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to a more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. (he he :)
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last!!! ....
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
1 comment:
Here's some more for you.
Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
design limits
A stormy flight aboard a Boeing aircraft; an off-duty airline stewardess is sitting next to a man in the grip of serious white-knuckle fever as he watches, through his porthole, the aircraft's wing bending and bouncing in the tempest. The stewardess tries to reassure him; she works in the industry and flies all the time, she tells him. There is nothing to worry about; the pilots have everything under control.
"Madam," he replies, "I am a Boeing engineer and we did not design this aircraft to do what it is doing."
China in the eighties. A DC-3 (or similar?) loaded with tourist passengers starts up and is about to taxi. Then the engines are shut down again. The captain leaves the cockpit and adresses the passengers: "This plane ill! We take other plane!"
They all walk over to a DC-3 parked across the ramp. Engines started, and shut down again. Captain adresses passengers again: "This plane more ill! We take first plane!"
During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write with in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about US $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
For months after California's Northridge earthquake of 1994, aftershocks rocked the San Fernando Valley and Van Nuys Airport. One morning about three weeks after the initial quake there was a particularly sharp aftershock.
Moments later on Van Nuys' ground control frequency: "Uh, four-three-kilo would like to file a pilot report for moderate turbulence on the east taxiway..."
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